— Mobile Games —

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery | Mobile Game Review

28 July, 2018

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Can you spot me a Time-Turner? Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is copyright of Warner Bros, Jam City and Portkey Games. Images used are for reference and commentary.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is a totally righteous free-to-play mobile game.

Psych!

It is the offspring of a Veela and a Dementor. It draws you in with its radical graphics and tubular 80s setting and then sucks out your time, money and energy. Like, totally. Gameplay uses limited units of energy. Players start with 24 units. Each task takes 1-5 units to complete and units take 4 minutes to replenish. It – is – a nightmare. Hogwarts students must have been anemic in the 80s! You even need energy to rest…but not to focus. Logic is dead.

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The story entails an AWOL brother, trippy visions and some magical ice. No, not a Hogwarts drug epidemic. Just…ice. Do Warner Bros and Jam City really expect me to be interested in the “mystery” of the magical corridor frost? Get real.

Characters include:

Rowan Khanna

Your square best friend, whose binary gender matches yours, because we can’t be BFFs with people of other genders. Barf!

Ben Cooper

A Muggle-born Gryffindor. He is so cowardly and pathetic he makes Neville look like the lovechild of Arnold Schwartzeneger and The Rock.

Penny Haywood

A Hufflepuff Mary-Sue with the same hairstyle as Lillie from ‎Pokémon Sun/Moon.

Andre Egwu

A Ravenclaw jock, who rocks a bitchin’ purple Pride of Portree scarf. You don’t “meet” him until Year 4. Even if you’ve taken several classes with him, spoken to him, and – if you’re a Ravenclaw like me – obviously share a dormitory.

Merula Snyde

The Slytherin bully. She is such a bland caricature, I almost forgot to put her on this list.

I don’t know what house you are in, but Chester Davies – the Ravenclaw prefect – can eat my shorts.

Because this game is set in the 80s, you can save up galleons to buy some butt ugly clothes. Witches and wizards do not know how to dress.

I was amped to see all the familiar faces. But some of them take years to show up – like Tonks and Charlie Weasley. Even though they are in my year! Why aren’t they going to classes?

Then there are all the teachers that are back in action – Dumbledore, McGonnagal, Snape. Woah, Snape is looking gnarly for a man in his 20s. The years have not been kind to him.

The biggest bummer was Hagrid. He asked me to make him a potion, but said not to tell Snape it was for him because they “don’t always get along.” Snape is a nasty man, but he knows he can’t get away with talking trash to staff – DA teachers excluded. Hagrid was just being shady and manipulative, asking me do dangerous things for him and encouraging me to lie.

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If you want to play Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery for any length of time you will need to splash some cash. But unless you are loaded, high, juiced or a noob it legit won’t happen.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery’s biggest crime is being forgettable. For real. You leave the game alone to recharge energy, forget about it, and fail the task you were on.

Playing this game made me nostalgic for the days of gnome tossing on Pottermore. If you have space on your mobile device and Harry Potter is your fave, play Hogwarts Mystery casually. Otherwise, kick it to the curb.

2.8 out of 5 stars

— Picture Books —

Hans My Hedgehog by Kate Coombs, Illustrated by John Nickle | Book Review

27 July, 2018

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I tried to contact the Brothers Grimm in a seance to see if they had any long lost manuscripts I could pawn on eBay, but there was no response. Cover art is copyright of Atheneum Books for Young Readers.*

Once upon a time there was a couple who looked like they stepped out of a Renaissance painting. Like many people who are comprised of paint, they were infertile. They wished more than anything for a child. Their wish came true and they had a baby boy. This baby boy was a hedgehog with human legs. Because this couple were so literal, they named their son Hans My Hedgehog.

This is a retelling of Hans My Hedgehog, a Brothers Grimm fairy tale. Kate Coomb’s writing is seemless and John Nickle’s illustrations complement the fairy tale genre.

“Each note slipped between
the trees like a spell.
The pigs, listening below,
were steeped in magic.”

Hans – like most hedgehogs – is a bit of a loner. A self-proclaimed outcast if you will. He spends his time in the forest, frolicking with pigs, playing the fiddle, and flying on a rooster. Seems legit. The probability of a rooster flying expertly while being ridden by a hedgehog is on par with fairies, and this is a fairy tale.

Hans lives near two kingdoms. Both of these kingdoms are run by monarchs with no sense of direction, who each decide to go off on their own, and subsequently get lost in the forest. Hans helps both kings in turn, but asks that in return for his help they give him the first thing that they meet when they get home. This “thing” in both men’s cases is their daughters. Talk about objectifying women! The question is, which king will deliver when Hans comes to collect? Yes, that does sound creepy. Because it is.

This is a (marginally) less messed up retelling of Hans My Hedgehog. It’s still whack and rife with objectification and misogyny, but the original story is maximum cringe. Hans is more romanticised in this version. I’m not sure this is a good thing, but it makes for a nice story to read to your children, so that they can be traumatised by the original fairy tale later in life.

2.3 out of 5 stars
*Atheneum’s parents are Simon & Schuster. They are very proud.

— Comics —

Jedi Academy by Jeffrey Brown | Book Review

25 July, 2018

has some nice friendship moments. 

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I didn’t even get a lightsaber. Cover art is copyright Scholastic.

Jedi Academy is the first book in a trilogy by Jeffrey Brown, the man behind the coffee table books Vader & Son and Vader’s Little Princess. It is about Roan Novachez, a boy from Tatooine who dreams of being a pilot. Remind you of someone? When he’s rejected to Pilot Academy, Roan is offered a place at Jedi Academy.

The premise seems a bit implausible to me. Roan gets rejected to Pilot Academy Middle School, even though “nearly all of the applicants are accepted.” Who is letting all these little children into Pilot Academy? Can anyone do it? Can I do it? Please accept me! Oh. It’s on Alderaan. Nevermind…

Jedi Academy is a non-canon book. It splices the world of Star Wars with the world of Middle School. There are lightsabers and Holochess, but also Polaroids and AA batteries. So, I say it is “implausible” but it is not meant to be 100% legit. It is for fun! I am sure children will understand this. Keep it away from angry middle-aged fanboys who take themselves and their opinions too seriously.

This book is a mixture of journal and comic, written and illustrated by Roan. The parallels to Luke Skywalker and Episode IV will bop you right on the nose. Poor kid, stuck on Tatooine, wants to be a pilot, ends up a Jedi. Jeffrey even named the droids RW-22 and T-P3O!

Roan has a hard time training to be a Jedi. It’s harder for him, because he is starting much later than the other students. Many readers will empathise with Roan’s struggles. Not me, I would never be that incompetent. I will spare some pity for you, Roan.

Both of the school bullies – and the mean teacher – are Zabrak. This seems racist. In a feeble save, one of Roan’s best friends is also Zabrak. For those not in the know, Zabrak is the species of The Crime Lord Formerly Known as Darth Maul.

Jedi Academy is a slice-of-life novel. It has some nice friendship moments, but not much of a plot arc. Recommended for young Star Wars fans who are looking for something light and easy. I may read the sequel, Return of the Padawan. I am undecided.

2.8 out of 5 stars

— Tabletop Games —

Disney Family Feud | Tabletop Review

24 July, 2018

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I just like Disney. Hit me up. Family Feud is copyright Imagination, Disney and Pixar. Images used for reference and commentary.

For fans of Disney comes a board game that brings the Family Feud TV show into your home, Mickey in hand.

Each card has a question that has been surveyed to 100 people. One player acts as host, while two teams – of one player or more – must try to give the answer that matches the survey. The more surveyed people that have given the answer, the more points it is worth.

This – is – not – a – trivia – game. There is no “right” answer. What you think is logical will not be what popped into other people’s heads. Get off your high horse and try to think like the masses.

I thought this game was called Family Feud because it pits two “families” against each other. Nope! It is because someone is going to flip their wits when their answer isn’t one of the top survey answers.

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This is a very fun game to play…with the right people. You want to play with people who go “Whaaaaaaaaat?” when they don’t get the right answer, but not with people who will threaten to flip the table. For this reason, Disney Family Feud is not only accessible to play with casual Disney fans, but preferable to playing with hard-core know-it-all busy-bodies.

Do not ask me, “Who did they survey? What is the age range? What is the gender ratio?” I – do – not – know! Leave me be!

Due to the limited number of cards, there is a cap on how much you can play this game before you know all the answers. If you survive that long. Enjoy the game for what it is and then pass it on for someone else to destroy or enjoy.

3.5 out of 5 stars

— Comics —

Princess Princess Ever After by Katie O’Neill | Comic Review

18 July, 2018

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Cover art is copyright of Katie O’Neill and Oni Press.

No prince has succeeded in rescuing Princess Sadie from her tower prison – but Princess Amria is no prince! Together, the two princesses will save one other and each find their place in the world.

The two princesses are endearing from the start. Amira is optimistic and determined. Sadie is outspoken and emotional. Seriously. That girl could drown a small village with her tears. It’s practically a superpower.

Amira’s rescuing methods are a little questionable. She could have maimed or killed Sadie on multiple occasions, but her perseverance is admirable. Sadie has that inexplicable sheltered blonde girl ability to solve problems with compassion. If anyone else tried this, they’d probably get themselves squished or smote.

Sadie and Amira also meet Prince Vladric. After decrying being helped by women, he then proceeds to tell them how easy they have it and how much baggage comes with the expectations of manly princeliness. Boo-hoo. I think Vladric could have been a more sympathetic character if there had been enough time in the story for more character development. Alas, he shall forever be Butthead.

‘Princess Princess Ever After’ touches on real insecurities. Amira is feeling lost, unsure of where she belongs. Sadie, belittled and degraded, bears a scar of self-doubt. Vladric…well, we covered him. The comic features a diverse cast of characters and an unspoken romantic thread between Amira and Sadie. This might have been argued as ambiguous (by the tragic and desperate) but the epilogue – which was not featured in the original web comic – makes it undeniable.

This is a short but enjoyable story for young readers (and old-er people too) from New Zealand writer and illustrator, Katie O’Neill. I look forward to reading more of her work.

3 out of 5 stars

— Tabletop Games —

BANG! The Dice Game: The Walking Dead | Tabletop Review

17 July, 2018

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I’m just here to slay. Zombies. BANG! The Dice Game: The Walking Dead is copyright of Asmodee and USAopoly. Images used for reference and commentary.

Zombies aren’t the only threat in this game, which pits you against the biggest evil of all – humans! Roll the dice and think twice about those you can trust. You never know who is really on your side in this deadly bluffing game.

BANG! The Dice Game: The Walking Dead uses five dice with different symbols. These let you shoot guns, throw grenades and heal. They also expose you to zombies and deadly toxins. You have three rolls to try and inflict as much damage to the people you believe to be your enemies. Be prepared for people to hold a grudge and come for you.

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There are two main factions that people play as – the Survivors and the Saviors. There are also two loners – Hilltop and The Kingdom – but depending on how many players you have, you might only play with one Loner. The Survivors want to kill the Saviors. The Saviors want to kill the Leader of the Survivors. The Loner wants to kill everyone.

Note: “Survivor” and “Savior” are easy to get confused. Especially when “Savior” sounds like it should be good but is actually evil. Try not to get caught out when you are bullshitting everyone that you are good.

The alliances are all kept secret, except for the Leader of the Survivors. The role of Leader of the Survivors can be overwhelming for certain people, especially if it is their first time playing. Consider reshuffling and redealing the roles if you think this will be too stressful or elect someone to be Leader and randomise the rest.

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Each player also has a character card. These are dealt randomly but not kept secret. Remember to read your character’s special ability – and don’t forget to give the Leader of the Survivors +2 health!

Note: This edition of BANG!  The Dice Game is based on The Walking Dead comics and uses the awesome character artwork. This means that if you have any hopes of playing characters like Daryl, Sasha, Beth or Noah, prepare to be disappointed, because they were made up by the TV people.

It is important to realise that this is not only a bluffing game but an elimination game. Once you are dead, you are out of the game. And if you play with a lot of people, you may find that you don’t get many turns before you die. Which is not fun. This game can be played with 3-8 players, but the best number to play with is 5-6.

The game’s only real big fail is that, unlike the original BANG! The Dice Game, the dice are not engraved. This means that the images on the dice will eventually wear off. Grr!

This is a very fun game to play, as long as you play with the right kind of people. Friendly competitiveness is fab. Cutthroat nastiness is gross. Good luck finding the right balance!

3.8 out of 5 stars

— Mobile Games —

Disney Heroes: Battle Mode | Mobile Review

14 July, 2018

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I’m just trying to save the world, one review at a time. Disney Heroes is copyright PerBlue Entertainment Inc, Disney and Pixar. Images used for reference and commentary.

In this new mobile game, Disney characters battle against mysterious creepers and evil versions of themselves. It is not clear if these are Disney heroes who have been turned evil or if they are evil doppelgängers. The storyline is inconsistent.

You begin playing as Wreck-It-Ralph and Vanellope, picking up new heroes along the way. You can have up to five characters in a party at once. Gameplay is automated except for the power-ups, which you press yourself. Later on, you can choose to automate the whole fight and even speed it up.

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The real challenge is leveling up your heroes. There are so many ways to do it! There are levels and skills and badges – oh my! This makes it intricate but also tricky. Sometimes you need a certain level to get a badge but you need a badge to promote your character to help them be stronger so they can level up. It’s a fish’s cycle!

There are many nods to Disney and Pixar films (mainly through badges) but the characters you can play as come from a handful of films: Wreck-It-Ralph, The Incredibles, Zootopia, Monsters Inc, Toy Story and Wall-E. Oh, and that Jack Sparrow fellow is hanging around like the creeper he is.

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Gameplay uses energy – but it’s not as restrictive as the disastrous energy scheme of Hogwarts Mystery. You can buy energy with coins and you can buy coins with diamonds. You get diamonds through rewards or you can get some more with your real cash money. Never fear, I have managed to do lots of playing and not pay a cent!

You will unlock lots of extra areas as you play. There is the Arena (where you fight other players’ characters), Trials, City Watch and more. None of these things require energy, although there is a set amount of times you can do them. You can also join a guild. These give you more playing perks!

Disney Heroes: Battle Mode is a fun game – with beautiful graphics – but it gets a little stagnant and repetitive. I hope they will add more heroes (where are the Big Hero 6 characters?) and make the storyline more interesting.

3.5 out of 5 stars

— Picture Books —

Animal Music by Julia Donaldson, Illustrated by Nick Sharratt | Book Review

13 July, 2018

Disclosure: I borrowed this book from the library because it had a hedgehog on it. Also, I did not receive any compensation for this review. Cover art is copyright of Macmillan.

In this book, all sorts of animals are playing music. Except the hedgehog, he just hums. What are they trying to say? Hedgehogs can’t play instruments? Why couldn’t the hedgehog play the violin? They’ve got penguins playing the violin. PENGUINS! How is that even possible with their flippies?

I have been carried away. I shall compose myself. But not to music because apparently I can’t play an instrument. Just hum. Hmph.

The animals in this book include dogs, hippos, a koala, and some seafood. Is that derogatory? Sea creatures. They croon and play the spoons. I think that they have rebelled against a seafood restaurant. They have taken up the utensils that would be used to eat them and reclaimed their freedom, making music from strife.

There is a bison playing the cello that has phenomenal balance. Then there is a tiger and a carthorse. What makes a carthorse a carthorse? Is it a cart? Because this carthorse doesn’t have a cart. Is a carthorse still a carthorse if it has no cart? The tiger is beating a drum near the carthorse’s ear. I expect is aggravating, but if he complains he will be eaten.

There are also some turtles. Real turtles, not tortoises calling themselves turtles. I’m looking at you teenage ninjas! Then there is a gerbil playing a camel. Does a camel constitute as a musical instrument? Is it polite to jump around on a camel and use it as your own bouncy castle/bongo drums?

They are all playing music of different genres – pop, classical, blues and more. They are either clashing terribly or playing different set pieces. Each animal wears a sparkly red bow or bowtie. Among the animals are a diverse group of children, dancing and singing. It is night-time and they have no adult supervision.

I must conclude that this book is taking place at an international music festival to raise money for a children’s charity. Or, the animals are brainwashing all of the children, and have done away with the adults. Maybe the humming hedgehog is a hypnotist! He must be the mastermind behind it all. Yes.

‘Animal Music’ is a book packed with simple rhymes, where alliteration abounds. It is good for early readers, though I cannot say whether there is anything nefarious subliminally hidden in the text. Read at your own risk.

2.3 out of 5 stars

— Movies —

The Incredibles 2 | Movie Review

12 July, 2018

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. How dare they? Time to become a super villain! The Incredibles 2 is copyright Disney and Pixar. Images used for reference and commentary.

Warning: This movie contains scenes with flashing lights that may be unsafe for people with epilepsy or other photo sensitivities.

The Incredibles are back! It only took 12 years. Were you alive back then? The sequel picks up right where the first one left off. Bye bye fan theories that a grown-up Dash or Jack-Jack would be the new villain. Maybe in another 12 years?

In Incredibles 2, an eccentric hero-crazy businessman wants to lure the public’s affection back to the heroes. The secret? Good press! The best hero for the job? Elastigirl! Now she must leave her family to kick bad-guy butt, sway the public, and preferably stay alive. That would be a nice bonus.

Yes, Helen Parr is front and center. She was kicking butt in the first movie – and now she is kicking more butt! Whether it’s as Mrs. Incredible or Elastigirl, I cannot get enough of this lady. #TeamElastigirl!

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Helen is a super hero and a super mom. And now Bob has to dad it up to her level. It ain’t easy! Props to Mr. Incredible’s characterisation – he is still one flawed man. He has a short temper, an inferiority complex, and he’s jealous of his wife’s success. Wow, he sounds like a tool. The realism is on point. His behaviour is not justified or excused, but who wants to watch a movie about some glamorised twit? It is very reflective of the times – then and now – to see a man struggling to come to grips that his wife is succeeding in areas where he has faltered and is unable to thrive.

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Like the first movie, The Incredibles 2 is not strictly a movie for the kiddies. “Whaaat? But it’s animated! It’s rated for kiddies!” This is true. But both flicks deal with family, marital struggles, and the need to find – and follow – your purpose. Also, the humour seems to be more targeted at the old(er) generation. It never stops to pander and that is what makes it great.

The Incredibles 2 has more, more, more than the first one! More Frozone, more Violet and Dash kicking butt, and more Jack-Jack. I have mixed feelings about Jack-Jack, the Gary Stu baby. If he was not an infant, the fact that he has 17+ powers would be irritable, not endearing. Instead, it lends itself to the story and the humour. But if they do make another Incredibles movie, set in the future, and Jack-Jack does still have all of these powers, he had better be a villain. Or I will be bored out of my mind watching him out-super Superman.

https://giphy.com/gifs/disneystudios-the-incredibles-2-2hgcF3gJfKAxqlQNTr

Oh, the villain! How could I forget? The villain is the Screenslaver – an anonymous dude who wants people to continue hating on super heroes. He uses the power of technology and mind control. Great stuff. Very unsubtle, comic book-esque, and lends itself beautifully to the importance of media in influencing the masses.

The Incredibles 2 is worth the wait. If you enjoyed the first one, you won’t be disappointed.

4.3 out of 5 stars

— Comics —

Wade Wilson’s War by Duane Swierczynski, Illustrated by Jason Pearson | Comic Review

11 July, 2018

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I could use some to pay for therapy. Cover art is copyright of Marvel.

This was my first Deadpool comic. I am scarred for life.

Not because of the violence, or the language, or the crazy. No. It is because the comic book people played with my mind. They made me question my own sanity. I did not like it. They are the Weapon X of my life and this is my origin story.

The comic starts off savvy. There is intrigue and Deadpoolian humour. Wade is recounting his deadly shenanigans to some official stiffs. There are many scene cuts/flashbacks. New readers who know &^%# all about Deadpool get some insight into his origin story.

Deadpool is a special soul. He is a loony, a maniac. He is also aware that he is a comic book character and breaks the fourth wall. It is marvelous. These traits are all executed in ‘Wade Wilson’s War’ – but then things get whack, and I don’t mean Deadpool-fun-times [lewd pun redacted].

The narrative is psychotically skewed. This is expected from the mind of Deadpool, but this comic tries to imply that all of Deadpool’s antics do just that – happen inside his mind. He is still crazy, but the reader is lead to question whether he is enlightened or just delusional, and the comic is full of conflicting information. Deadpool says this, security footage shows that. What is real? Who is alive? Who is dead? Is Wade Wilson just a crazy man who thinks he has superpowers?

‘Wade Wilson’s War’ takes the unreliable narrator trope and [innuendo metaphor redacted]. If that sounds good to you, read it – but be warned. You may exit this journey with conflicting emotions and more questions that you can contain.

Am I real or a fiction? Am I free or a puppet? Am I sane or a prisoner of my own imagination?

I no longer know.

1.8 out of 5 stars