Mobile Games

Disney Crossy Road | Mobile Game Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Woe is me. Disney Heroes is copyright Hipster Whale, Disney and Pixar. Images used for reference and commentary.

From the depraved minds that brought you Crossy Road comes a game where you can squish all your favourite Disney and Pixar characters.

You start off as Mickey Mouse. To unlock other characters, you can either meet them along your journey or you can use money you pick up to win one from a slot machine. You can also buy them with cash money. They average at US$1-3 per character, but there are some set deals.

Different characters have different locations you play in. Music can also change for characters. I got Chief Tui from Moana and Where You Are was playing. I liked it. It can be difficult to figure out how to navigate the obstacles in each of the different locations but this keeps you on your tootsies!

It seems like you get more money in Disney Crossy Road than the original. I am imagining this? Hmm. No complaints. More money please. I like collecting the characters a lot more in this version. Who cares about a random animal when you can get Disney characters? What I do not like is that sometimes you go to the slot machine to get a new character…and get a duplicate. What am I to do with a duplicate? I am not impressed.

Unlike the original Crossy Road, there is the opportunity to play as a hedgehog – Toy Story’s Mr. Pricklepants! Alas, he is a rare figure. I never found him. This saddens my little hedgepiggy heart.

Disney Crossy Road seems less stressful than its predecessor. Maybe this is because I like Disney! It is not easier. At all. Like the original, there are still nonsensical aspects. Do I think that Chien Po from Mulan could drown? Yes. Do I think he could get run over by a single chicken? No.

I recommend Disney Crossy Road to people who love Disney…and people who do not and just wish to squish beloved Disney characters.

3.8 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Game Ever | Mobile Game Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Grumpy Cat is a stingy girl. She doesn’t share no dough. Grumpy Cat’s Worst Game Ever is copyright Lucky Kat Studios. Images used for reference and commentary.

Everyone knows that cats rule the Internet – and Grumpy Cat is their small angry queen. She’s been a meme, she’s starred in her own movie – and now she has her own game. Girl has one hell of an agent! Someone hit me up. I’m game! Haha. Game. Aren’t I so clever?

Grumpy’s game is a compilation of mini games. Lots of very fast mini games – and they only get faster! There is no slacking if you want to keep this kitty content. From fishing, to making cat pizzas, to swatting the hands that would dare touch Grumpy Cat. There are so many games to play and not enough time to get bored. Just enough time to get frustrated.

Every round you play, you get three lives. Each mini game you fail loses you a life. If you win games, you win coins! 100 coins gets you the chance to win a new Grumpy – Chef Grumpy, Detective Grumpy, Hunter Grumpy! Each one unlocks a new mini game – and if you get a duplicate, you get a free life!

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Game Ever isn’t the worst game ever – she just has very high standards! Good for keeping you sharp and alert.

3.3 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Crossy Road | Mobile Game Review

Disclaimer: I did not receive compensation for this review. Not even in the form of anger management classes. Crossy Roads is copyright Hipster Whale. Images used for reference and commentary.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn’t. That’s his carcass right there.

This game is the result of a depraved mind. There are not many things I am afraid of in this world – owls, foxes, fire – but being squished by a car is one of them! Who thought this was a good idea for a game? I am traumatised.

You start playing as a chicken but can unlock other animals – and things – as you go. A hedgehog is not an option. Should I be relieved or offended by this? There is even the option of playing as a box of Fish and Chips. This game is entirely illogical! I played as a penguin and it drowned.

The controls are simple. The game is hard. You tap/swipe to move your character across the roads and train tracks and rivers. Who designed this town? A maniac? Is this purgatory? It never ends!

You can collect money as you cross – but who has time to pick up pennies when the traffic is this lethal? Kiddies, don’t pick up money on the road. Your life is worth so much more.

This is not a game to play as a stress reliever. It is frustrating and addictive. Every so often the game will give you a free pity gift to ease your pain. You can then use your moneys to get a random prize in the form of a new avatar.

I know what you’re thinking. Just be patient, Quillbert – but no! If you stand still for too long an eagle swoops down and flies off with you. A bloody eagle! Add eagles right up there next to owls on the poop-your-pants list. Don’t they have something better to do, like give rides to Hobbits?

I was also killed…by a drop bear. For those unawares, a drop bear is an evil koala that Australians invented to scare off foreigners, because they don’t think their real animals are scary enough.

Crossy Roads makes its money by selling you different avatars to murder for US$0.99 a pop. They even offer some try-before-you-buy opportunities. I like this. Alas, there was no hedgepig, so I did not cough up the change.

There are also different modes for some avatars too. I played as a T-Rex and instead of cars there were others dinosaurs. Apparently a stampede is the best way to kill a T-Rex. Who knew?

Crossy Roads is an objectively fun game that you will either love or want to smash with a hammer. Play at your own risk.

3.8 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Miraculous Ladybug & Cat Noir | Mobile Game Review

Disclaimer: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I just gained a desire to be a superhero in Paris! Copyright CrazyLabs by TabTale. Images used for reference and commentary.

Save Paris in the official Miraculous Ladybug & Cat Noir mobile game! This game is what is called a “runner.” You are always on the move and must swipe up, down and side to side to dodge, duck and jump. It is a simple mechanic  but a tricky challenge.

The game starts of easy but gets more and more difficult. In each level you play Paris’ superheroes Ladybug or Cat Noir. It alternates between them, but not in a set one-two pattern. Sometimes they even start off in their civvies! The goal for each level varies, from collecting items to overcoming obstacles. The obstacles are ever-changing. Even redoing the same level will not give you a duplicate pattern. You must be always on your toes!

Bumping into things side-ways is okay, but you lose if you run head-first into something. Then you must either restart the level or watch an ad to continue – but this is a one time offer. If you crash again, you must restart – or lay down some moolah. It is possible to pass a level over several attempts, but if you are a completionist, prepare to be frustrated.

The game has cut scenes that play in the midst of some levels. These run a risk of throwing you off when they end, leading to a crash. The same applies to watching an ad to continue. You will probably sit through a 30 second ad only to crash and have to restart anyway.

The levels with the villains-of-the-week are ironically the easiest, whereas they should be considered “boss battles.” The real bosses are the ever-moving and changing obstacles, which can be difficult to see before you ram into them.

The game’s graphics are gorgeous, with the beautiful animation and lively Paris scenery. If you are familiar with the show, it will make you want to go watch it. If you aren’t, what are you waiting for? Go watch!

The Miraculous Ladybug & Cat Noir Official Mobile Game is enjoyable with decent difficulty. It would benefit greatly from a lives system. Three hearts, maybe?

3 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Angry Birds 2 | Mobile Game Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I just do it for the shits and giggles. Angry Birds 2 is copyright of Rovio. Images used for reference and commentary.

In the sequel to their popular movile game, Rovio’s avian suicide bombers are back with a vengeance!

Still flinging themselves in the faces of egg-stealing pigs, these birds are looking spiffy, with a bunch of gameplay changes and upgrades. You begin with Red and must unlock the other birds from their cages along the way. Choose wisely! In addition to birds you can also unlock spells. These are one-time use but can be handy in a pinch.

You can now choose the order of your birds and spells. No, this is a lie. You may choose from three, while the rest wait in the wings. Haha. I am so clever. Each level has multiple “rooms” you must tackle with your limited birdies. This makes it more difficult to complete levels but easier to score three stars.

The biggest change (and potential no-no for gamers) is that you now have five lives, meaning gameplay is not unlimited. Each life takes 30 minutes to grow back, unless you want to splash some cash or watch an ad, which are short and tolerable.

You can win (and buy) prizes to upgrade your birds, such as feathers. Whose feathers are they wearing? Their fallen kin? It is a touch morbid to consider. You can also get your birds hats to boost their stats. One of my birds has a pile of books on his head, which makes his score x1.  That is utterly redundant! What is really does is increase his stats by +1. Yes, Rovio can build a mobile game but not do basic math. Fail.

Angry Birds 2 tries to be more social. You can battle other players in the Arena – for the highest score, not à la cock fighting. You also win presents sometimes that you can send to your Facebook friends. This is the only option. Ugh. I’d rather keep the presents for myself.

My favourite new feature is the fast-forward button. You can press this so that you don’t have to wait forever for the birds to pop and the pigs to stop wiggling before the level is over. I do not like how far I must zoom out to see all the obstacles. It is hard to know if I have killed all of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s children when they are so tiny. Pass me a magnifying glass! Also, some of the Gen One birds are missing. Where is the boomerang bird? Where is the pink bird and the orange bird? Hopefully they will return in future.

Angry Birds 2 is another addictive romp for our fuming feathered friends. You can easily play without paying a cent, with only the lives system standing in the way of endless gameplay.

4 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery | Mobile Game Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Can you spot me a Time-Turner? Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is copyright of Warner Bros, Jam City and Portkey Games. Images used are for reference and commentary.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is a totally righteous free-to-play mobile game.


It is the offspring of a Veela and a Dementor. It draws you in with its radical graphics and tubular 80s setting and then sucks out your time, money and energy. Like, totally. Gameplay uses limited units of energy. Players start with 24 units. Each task takes 1-5 units to complete and units take 4 minutes to replenish. It – is – a nightmare. Hogwarts students must have been anemic in the 80s! You even need energy to rest…but not to focus. Logic is dead.

The story entails an AWOL brother, trippy visions and some magical ice. No, not a Hogwarts drug epidemic. Just…ice. Do Warner Bros and Jam City really expect me to be interested in the “mystery” of the magical corridor frost? Get real.

Characters include:

Rowan Khanna

Your square best friend, whose binary gender matches yours, because we can’t be BFFs with people of other genders. Barf!

Ben Cooper

A Muggle-born Gryffindor. He is so cowardly and pathetic he makes Neville look like the lovechild of Arnold Schwartzeneger and The Rock.

Penny Haywood

A Hufflepuff Mary-Sue with the same hairstyle as Lillie from ‎Pokémon Sun/Moon.

Andre Egwu

A Ravenclaw jock, who rocks a bitchin’ purple Pride of Portree scarf. You don’t “meet” him until Year 4. Even if you’ve taken several classes with him, spoken to him, and – if you’re a Ravenclaw like me – obviously share a dormitory.

Merula Snyde

The Slytherin bully. She is such a bland caricature, I almost forgot to put her on this list.

I don’t know what house you are in, but Chester Davies – the Ravenclaw prefect – can eat my shorts.

Because this game is set in the 80s, you can save up galleons to buy some butt ugly clothes. Witches and wizards do not know how to dress.

I was amped to see all the familiar faces. But some of them take years to show up – like Tonks and Charlie Weasley. Even though they are in my year! Why aren’t they going to classes?

Then there are all the teachers that are back in action – Dumbledore, McGonnagal, Snape. Woah, Snape is looking gnarly for a man in his 20s. The years have not been kind to him.

The biggest bummer was Hagrid. He asked me to make him a potion, but said not to tell Snape it was for him because they “don’t always get along.” Snape is a nasty man, but he knows he can’t get away with talking trash to staff – DA teachers excluded. Hagrid was just being shady and manipulative, asking me do dangerous things for him and encouraging me to lie.

If you want to play Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery for any length of time you will need to splash some cash. But unless you are loaded, high, juiced or a noob it legit won’t happen.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery’s biggest crime is being forgettable. For real. You leave the game alone to recharge energy, forget about it, and fail the task you were on.

Playing this game made me nostalgic for the days of gnome tossing on Pottermore. If you have space on your mobile device and Harry Potter is your fave, play Hogwarts Mystery casually. Otherwise, kick it to the curb.

2.8 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Disney Heroes: Battle Mode | Mobile Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I’m just trying to save the world, one review at a time. Disney Heroes is copyright PerBlue Entertainment Inc, Disney and Pixar. Images used for reference and commentary.

In this new mobile game, Disney characters battle against mysterious creepers and evil versions of themselves. It is not clear if these are Disney heroes who have been turned evil or if they are evil doppelgängers. The storyline is inconsistent.

You begin playing as Wreck-It-Ralph and Vanellope, picking up new heroes along the way. You can have up to five characters in a party at once. Gameplay is automated except for the power-ups, which you press yourself. Later on, you can choose to automate the whole fight and even speed it up.

The real challenge is leveling up your heroes. There are so many ways to do it! There are levels and skills and badges – oh my! This makes it intricate but also tricky. Sometimes you need a certain level to get a badge but you need a badge to promote your character to help them be stronger so they can level up. It’s a fish’s cycle!

There are many nods to Disney and Pixar films (mainly through badges) but the characters you can play as come from a handful of films: Wreck-It-Ralph, The Incredibles, Zootopia, Monsters Inc, Toy Story and Wall-E. Oh, and that Jack Sparrow fellow is hanging around like the creeper he is.

Gameplay uses energy – but it’s not as restrictive as the disastrous energy scheme of Hogwarts Mystery. You can buy energy with coins and you can buy coins with diamonds. You get diamonds through rewards or you can get some more with your real cash money. Never fear, I have managed to do lots of playing and not pay a cent!

You will unlock lots of extra areas as you play. There is the Arena (where you fight other players’ characters), Trials, City Watch and more. None of these things require energy, although there is a set amount of times you can do them. You can also join a guild. These give you more playing perks!

Disney Heroes: Battle Mode is a fun game – with beautiful graphics – but it gets a little stagnant and repetitive. I hope they will add more heroes (where are the Big Hero 6 characters?) and make the storyline more interesting.

3.5 out of 5 stars