Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Cover art is copyright of Walker Books.*

This is the story of five children. Yes, the tall one is a child. He just has a serious case of dad-face.

These five children are going to hunt for a bear. Not a make-believe bear in a make-believe game. No, these children go in search of a real, live bear, armed with nothing but a stick. Presumably to poke the bear with.

They chant as they go, saying they’re “going to catch a big one” as if they are going to snare a large fish. They are also “not scared.” Apparently they have been emboldened by the “beautiful day” as though good weather were the ultimate shield against danger.

These kids are not cut out for bear hunting. They say “Oh no!” when they have to wade through some grass. Yet they trudge on, intent on seeking out and confronting a wild animal.

Who raised these obtuse children? Where are their parents? Are they at home making naïve baby number six? Their only companion is a dog, who is not much of a protector.

The book is written in a sing-song style and utilises onomatopoeia. It alternates between double-page spreads in watercolour and black ‘n’ white. This was very distracting and a strain on my poor wee eyes.

‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt’ is the tale of five dim-witted children. It is “retold by Michael Rosen.” Perhaps this means there is an original version where the children meet a grizzly end. (See what I did there?) I shouldn’t be at all surprised.

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Cover art is copyright of Minnesota Press.

‘Gone is Gone’ or ‘The Story of a Man Who Wanted to Do Housework’ is retold here by Wanda Ga’g, after being passed down orally through generations of her family. The book is dedicated “To My Peasant Ancestors.” This is how I intend to dedicate my future memoirs.

Fritzl and Liesi live and work on their land. Fritzl works out in the field all day. Liesi works in and around the house and looks after the baby. Fritzl believes that he works harder than Liesi and has no issue in saying so.

“Little do you know, Liesi, what a man’s work is like, little do you know! Your work now, ’tis nothing at all.”

Liesi wallops him, takes the child and leaves him. Alas, I kid. She is instead miraculously bemused by his misogyny. She suggests that they swap workloads for a day.

‘Gone is Gone’ is titled thus because every time Fritzl screws up one of the chores, he shrugs and says “Na, na! What’s gone is gone.” Is it such a wonder that he’s so easy on himself after dismissing his wife’s hard word? A ripping display of male entitlement.

Fritzl’s incompetence amplifies until he has put the lives of his dog, his cow, his child and himself in jeopardy. What an idiot. Even so, Liesi is patient and kind with him, though an “I told you so” is heavily implied – and well-deserved.

‘Gone is Gone’ is is a fine tale of comeuppance for adults and children alike.

Disclosure: I borrowed this book from the library because it had a hedgehog on it. Also, I did not receive any compensation for this review. Cover art is copyright of Macmillan.

In this book, all sorts of animals are playing music. Except the hedgehog, he just hums. What are they trying to say? Hedgehogs can’t play instruments? Why couldn’t the hedgehog play the violin? They’ve got penguins playing the violin. PENGUINS! How is that even possible with their flippies?

I have been carried away. I shall compose myself. But not to music because apparently I can’t play an instrument. Just hum. Hmph.

The animals in this book include dogs, hippos, a koala, and some seafood. Is that derogatory? Sea creatures. They croon and play the spoons. I think that they have rebelled against a seafood restaurant. They have taken up the utensils that would be used to eat them and reclaimed their freedom, making music from strife.

There is a bison playing the cello that has phenomenal balance. Then there is a tiger and a carthorse. What makes a carthorse a carthorse? Is it a cart? Because this carthorse doesn’t have a cart. Is a carthorse still a carthorse if it has no cart? The tiger is beating a drum near the carthorse’s ear. I expect is aggravating, but if he complains he will be eaten.

There are also some turtles. Real turtles, not tortoises calling themselves turtles. I’m looking at you teenage ninjas! Then there is a gerbil playing a camel. Does a camel constitute as a musical instrument? Is it polite to jump around on a camel and use it as your own bouncy castle/bongo drums?

They are all playing music of different genres – pop, classical, blues and more. They are either clashing terribly or playing different set pieces. Each animal wears a sparkly red bow or bowtie. Among the animals are a diverse group of children, dancing and singing. It is night-time and they have no adult supervision.

I must conclude that this book is taking place at an international music festival to raise money for a children’s charity. Or, the animals are brainwashing all of the children, and have done away with the adults. Maybe the humming hedgehog is a hypnotist! He must be the mastermind behind it all. Yes.

‘Animal Music’ is a book packed with simple rhymes, where alliteration abounds. It is good for early readers, though I cannot say whether there is anything nefarious subliminally hidden in the text. Read at your own risk.