Mobile Games

Disney Crossy Road | Mobile Game Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Woe is me. Disney Heroes is copyright Hipster Whale, Disney and Pixar. Images used for reference and commentary.

From the depraved minds that brought you Crossy Road comes a game where you can squish all your favourite Disney and Pixar characters.

You start off as Mickey Mouse. To unlock other characters, you can either meet them along your journey or you can use money you pick up to win one from a slot machine. You can also buy them with cash money. They average at US$1-3 per character, but there are some set deals.

Different characters have different locations you play in. Music can also change for characters. I got Chief Tui from Moana and Where You Are was playing. I liked it. It can be difficult to figure out how to navigate the obstacles in each of the different locations but this keeps you on your tootsies!

It seems like you get more money in Disney Crossy Road than the original. I am imagining this? Hmm. No complaints. More money please. I like collecting the characters a lot more in this version. Who cares about a random animal when you can get Disney characters? What I do not like is that sometimes you go to the slot machine to get a new character…and get a duplicate. What am I to do with a duplicate? I am not impressed.

Unlike the original Crossy Road, there is the opportunity to play as a hedgehog – Toy Story’s Mr. Pricklepants! Alas, he is a rare figure. I never found him. This saddens my little hedgepiggy heart.

Disney Crossy Road seems less stressful than its predecessor. Maybe this is because I like Disney! It is not easier. At all. Like the original, there are still nonsensical aspects. Do I think that Chien Po from Mulan could drown? Yes. Do I think he could get run over by a single chicken? No.

I recommend Disney Crossy Road to people who love Disney…and people who do not and just wish to squish beloved Disney characters.

3.8 out of 5 stars

Console Games

Detroit: Become Human | Game Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I am in great need of emotional support. Detroit: Become Human is copyright Quantic Dream. Images used for reference and commentary.

Premise: The year is 2038. Androids are commonplace. Deviants – rogue androids – are on the rise. You play as three different androids in Detroit, each with their own goals.

This game starts off mundane. For Markus and Kara. Connor gets thrown straight into a hostage situation. Go Connor! But the other two? You walk around, press some buttons. Snore. I did not pay $0 to borrow this game, just so that I could clean toilets, take out the trash, or help an old man go potty.

Then shit gets intense.

The controls take some getting used to. Which stick am I meant to move? Which button am I meant to press? OH MY GOD, THE EVIL HUMAN IS COMING FOR ME. What do you mean she’s dead? Don’t judge me, blonde android lady! I only have two small hands! Fuckin’ Todd.

Tip: Choose your appropriate skill level – casual or expert. I’ll stick with casual. It’s hedgepiggy friendy.

All of these androids are made by a company called Cyberlife. Yes, one company has the monopoly on this game-changing technology, that just happens to be going rogue. Guess they’re getting hella sued.

The three protagonists of Detroit: Become Human are:


Most Likely To: Exaggerate his oppression at the hands of humans.

Markus is the caretaker for Carl, a rich old man who is a kind, fatherly figure to him. Markus goes on to tell everyone how he was an oppressed slave. “I had to buy him paints and play chess with him!” Ungrateful little shit.

He is the leader of the deviants. The only reason he is appointed leader seems to be because he is a mandroid with magic hands. He can “convert” other androids to follow him. Can anyone say cult? Markus was gifted to Carl by the creator of Cyberlife. Suspicious. He is overly important to the story.

You can choose to make Markus a peaceful protestor or a dangerous tyrant. But he will still say radical things like “all humans hate us” and “we’re superior to them” even if you go the peaceful route.

Tip: Don’t get Markus killed unless you want everything to go to shit. He is the Chosen One. No one can do what he can. Especially if they are a ladydroid.


Most Likely To: Be a cinnamon roll that must be protected at all costs.

Connor is the android sent by Cyberlife to work with the police in hunting down and capturing deviants. He’s like Ryan Gosling’s character in Bladerunner 2049, but with a personality and no libido. Connor’s favourite things are doing coin tricks and looking at himself in the mirror. A lot.

His police partner is Hank Anderson, a has-been cop with a tragic backstory and suicidal tendencies. Hank’s dynamic with Connor is one of the best in the game.

You can choose to make Connor a stoic machine or man’s best friend.


Most Likely To: Be underutilised and underpowered – but brilliantly portrayed by Valorie Curry.

Kara is a housekeeper to an abusive father and his daughter. She is so inconsequential to the overall story arc that she can die in her second chapter. But if you manage to keep her alive, she has some wonderful moments with Alice, the daughter of aforementioned evil man.

It is unfortunate – no, it is effin’ aggravating – that Kara, the only playable female character, is resigned to a motherly figure. Her relationship with Alice is sweet and makes for some of the best moments in the story, but she is robbed of a greater role in the plot. She is on the sidelines, while Markus and Connor battle it out in Detroit.

Kara is also weak compared to her male counterparts. Despite being an android, she cannot pull off a plank of wood that is nailed to a door. Male androids can do these things with ease. She’s a machine, damn it! Give her some oomph! Let her kick some butts!

You can play Kara as protective of Alice or…distant-ish? She doesn’t have much diversion in her characterisation. She and Alice team up with a male android during the story, who is not crucial to their survival and refreshingly not a love interest. This makes him a lovely addition to their little family dynamic.

Tip: Keep Kara and Alice alive or I will come for you.

Detroit: Become Human is heavy-handed with the symbolism. Unlike the movie Zootopia, which built its own systemic racism without drawing direct parallels to specific minorities, Detroit: Become Human beats you over the head with blatant nods to historic racism and oppression, such as showing that the androids must stand in a compartment in the back of the bus, and having the android in the menu quote Martin Luther King Jr.

One of Detroit: Become Human’s best assets is its replayability. Just like a book you want to reread, this is a game you can replay, to discover new paths and outcomes, even Easter eggs you might have missed. You do not even need to replay the whole game, but can go back to specific chapters to see new outcomes. Prepare to have your heart broken on more than a few occasions.

Tip: In scenes, there are a limited number of things you can do before things progress. Choose carefully and be quick.

The game sources from – uhh, “pays homage to” – several other android titles like Blade Runner and iRobot. It touches on many of the impacts of androids in society, but only seems to graze the surface of these issues. Most of these issues are only peeked at in magazines you find lying around the place. People are out of jobs, blaming androids instead of the people who created them. Capitalism at work! People throw out their androids when they are done with them, instead of selling them on or salvaging them for parts. Apparently tons of people are poor and out of work, and the 1% is just throwing out perfectly good machinery, willy-nilly. Also, Russia is being a naughty-face.

Detroit: Become Human’s biggest failing is how it handles its (few) female characters. Kara is pigeon-holed into the role of mother, and then there is North. North is a female deviant, who used to be a prostitute. She is also Markus’ love interest. Yes, Markus can make her fall in love with him after a couple of days, even if he does nearly everything she disagrees with. Check out those mandroid pheromones!

North is also incapable of leading the deviants. Despite the fact that she is just as strong, smart and determined as Markus, she cannot succeed. Only he can. Detroit: Become Human could have had many, many more scenarios – good and bad – that played out if Markus died…but instead they chose to make him the linchpin of the game, undermining other characters like Connor and North in the process.

Detroit: Become Human is a good game, but not without its flaws. It is the little moments that make you fall in love with the characters. It is also one of the few games where your choices make a huge impact on how the story unfolds.

Did I mention Connor? Play for Connor.

3.8 out of 5 stars

Tabletop Games

Settlers of Catan | Tabletop Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Not even in the form of wool or grain. Settlers of Catan is copyright KOSMOS. Images used for reference and commentary.

Settlers of Catan – known by today’s youngters as “Catan” – is a game of strategy and luck. The aim is to build roads and settlements to gain points and resources. The player to reach 10 points wins.

If you do not place your initial two settlements on spaces that will give you different types of resources and often, you have screwed yourself for the whole game. Choose wisely or suffer!

Catan is known as the modern replacement for Monopoly. Why is this? Because it is a gateway game that is accessible to non-gamers. Yes, you can get your family of noobs to play this game. It is also because it is a game that you play when you don’t have any better games to play.

Catan has several expansions. It is the sort of game that needs to get decked out and upgraded to keep old-timers invested. It is a game for 2-4 players, but you can also buy an expansion to widen that number of people to 6.

Settlers of Catan is recommended for new gamers, or people who want to connect with – or convert – some noobs.

3 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Game Ever | Mobile Game Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Grumpy Cat is a stingy girl. She doesn’t share no dough. Grumpy Cat’s Worst Game Ever is copyright Lucky Kat Studios. Images used for reference and commentary.

Everyone knows that cats rule the Internet – and Grumpy Cat is their small angry queen. She’s been a meme, she’s starred in her own movie – and now she has her own game. Girl has one hell of an agent! Someone hit me up. I’m game! Haha. Game. Aren’t I so clever?

Grumpy’s game is a compilation of mini games. Lots of very fast mini games – and they only get faster! There is no slacking if you want to keep this kitty content. From fishing, to making cat pizzas, to swatting the hands that would dare touch Grumpy Cat. There are so many games to play and not enough time to get bored. Just enough time to get frustrated.

Every round you play, you get three lives. Each mini game you fail loses you a life. If you win games, you win coins! 100 coins gets you the chance to win a new Grumpy – Chef Grumpy, Detective Grumpy, Hunter Grumpy! Each one unlocks a new mini game – and if you get a duplicate, you get a free life!

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Game Ever isn’t the worst game ever – she just has very high standards! Good for keeping you sharp and alert.

3.3 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Crossy Road | Mobile Game Review

Disclaimer: I did not receive compensation for this review. Not even in the form of anger management classes. Crossy Roads is copyright Hipster Whale. Images used for reference and commentary.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn’t. That’s his carcass right there.

This game is the result of a depraved mind. There are not many things I am afraid of in this world – owls, foxes, fire – but being squished by a car is one of them! Who thought this was a good idea for a game? I am traumatised.

You start playing as a chicken but can unlock other animals – and things – as you go. A hedgehog is not an option. Should I be relieved or offended by this? There is even the option of playing as a box of Fish and Chips. This game is entirely illogical! I played as a penguin and it drowned.

The controls are simple. The game is hard. You tap/swipe to move your character across the roads and train tracks and rivers. Who designed this town? A maniac? Is this purgatory? It never ends!

You can collect money as you cross – but who has time to pick up pennies when the traffic is this lethal? Kiddies, don’t pick up money on the road. Your life is worth so much more.

This is not a game to play as a stress reliever. It is frustrating and addictive. Every so often the game will give you a free pity gift to ease your pain. You can then use your moneys to get a random prize in the form of a new avatar.

I know what you’re thinking. Just be patient, Quillbert – but no! If you stand still for too long an eagle swoops down and flies off with you. A bloody eagle! Add eagles right up there next to owls on the poop-your-pants list. Don’t they have something better to do, like give rides to Hobbits?

I was also killed…by a drop bear. For those unawares, a drop bear is an evil koala that Australians invented to scare off foreigners, because they don’t think their real animals are scary enough.

Crossy Roads makes its money by selling you different avatars to murder for US$0.99 a pop. They even offer some try-before-you-buy opportunities. I like this. Alas, there was no hedgepig, so I did not cough up the change.

There are also different modes for some avatars too. I played as a T-Rex and instead of cars there were others dinosaurs. Apparently a stampede is the best way to kill a T-Rex. Who knew?

Crossy Roads is an objectively fun game that you will either love or want to smash with a hammer. Play at your own risk.

3.8 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Miraculous Ladybug & Cat Noir | Mobile Game Review

Disclaimer: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I just gained a desire to be a superhero in Paris! Copyright CrazyLabs by TabTale. Images used for reference and commentary.

Save Paris in the official Miraculous Ladybug & Cat Noir mobile game! This game is what is called a “runner.” You are always on the move and must swipe up, down and side to side to dodge, duck and jump. It is a simple mechanic  but a tricky challenge.

The game starts of easy but gets more and more difficult. In each level you play Paris’ superheroes Ladybug or Cat Noir. It alternates between them, but not in a set one-two pattern. Sometimes they even start off in their civvies! The goal for each level varies, from collecting items to overcoming obstacles. The obstacles are ever-changing. Even redoing the same level will not give you a duplicate pattern. You must be always on your toes!

Bumping into things side-ways is okay, but you lose if you run head-first into something. Then you must either restart the level or watch an ad to continue – but this is a one time offer. If you crash again, you must restart – or lay down some moolah. It is possible to pass a level over several attempts, but if you are a completionist, prepare to be frustrated.

The game has cut scenes that play in the midst of some levels. These run a risk of throwing you off when they end, leading to a crash. The same applies to watching an ad to continue. You will probably sit through a 30 second ad only to crash and have to restart anyway.

The levels with the villains-of-the-week are ironically the easiest, whereas they should be considered “boss battles.” The real bosses are the ever-moving and changing obstacles, which can be difficult to see before you ram into them.

The game’s graphics are gorgeous, with the beautiful animation and lively Paris scenery. If you are familiar with the show, it will make you want to go watch it. If you aren’t, what are you waiting for? Go watch!

The Miraculous Ladybug & Cat Noir Official Mobile Game is enjoyable with decent difficulty. It would benefit greatly from a lives system. Three hearts, maybe?

3 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Angry Birds 2 | Mobile Game Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I just do it for the shits and giggles. Angry Birds 2 is copyright of Rovio. Images used for reference and commentary.

In the sequel to their popular movile game, Rovio’s avian suicide bombers are back with a vengeance!

Still flinging themselves in the faces of egg-stealing pigs, these birds are looking spiffy, with a bunch of gameplay changes and upgrades. You begin with Red and must unlock the other birds from their cages along the way. Choose wisely! In addition to birds you can also unlock spells. These are one-time use but can be handy in a pinch.

You can now choose the order of your birds and spells. No, this is a lie. You may choose from three, while the rest wait in the wings. Haha. I am so clever. Each level has multiple “rooms” you must tackle with your limited birdies. This makes it more difficult to complete levels but easier to score three stars.

The biggest change (and potential no-no for gamers) is that you now have five lives, meaning gameplay is not unlimited. Each life takes 30 minutes to grow back, unless you want to splash some cash or watch an ad, which are short and tolerable.

You can win (and buy) prizes to upgrade your birds, such as feathers. Whose feathers are they wearing? Their fallen kin? It is a touch morbid to consider. You can also get your birds hats to boost their stats. One of my birds has a pile of books on his head, which makes his score x1.  That is utterly redundant! What is really does is increase his stats by +1. Yes, Rovio can build a mobile game but not do basic math. Fail.

Angry Birds 2 tries to be more social. You can battle other players in the Arena – for the highest score, not à la cock fighting. You also win presents sometimes that you can send to your Facebook friends. This is the only option. Ugh. I’d rather keep the presents for myself.

My favourite new feature is the fast-forward button. You can press this so that you don’t have to wait forever for the birds to pop and the pigs to stop wiggling before the level is over. I do not like how far I must zoom out to see all the obstacles. It is hard to know if I have killed all of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s children when they are so tiny. Pass me a magnifying glass! Also, some of the Gen One birds are missing. Where is the boomerang bird? Where is the pink bird and the orange bird? Hopefully they will return in future.

Angry Birds 2 is another addictive romp for our fuming feathered friends. You can easily play without paying a cent, with only the lives system standing in the way of endless gameplay.

4 out of 5 stars

Mobile Games

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery | Mobile Game Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Can you spot me a Time-Turner? Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is copyright of Warner Bros, Jam City and Portkey Games. Images used are for reference and commentary.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is a totally righteous free-to-play mobile game.


It is the offspring of a Veela and a Dementor. It draws you in with its radical graphics and tubular 80s setting and then sucks out your time, money and energy. Like, totally. Gameplay uses limited units of energy. Players start with 24 units. Each task takes 1-5 units to complete and units take 4 minutes to replenish. It – is – a nightmare. Hogwarts students must have been anemic in the 80s! You even need energy to rest…but not to focus. Logic is dead.

The story entails an AWOL brother, trippy visions and some magical ice. No, not a Hogwarts drug epidemic. Just…ice. Do Warner Bros and Jam City really expect me to be interested in the “mystery” of the magical corridor frost? Get real.

Characters include:

Rowan Khanna

Your square best friend, whose binary gender matches yours, because we can’t be BFFs with people of other genders. Barf!

Ben Cooper

A Muggle-born Gryffindor. He is so cowardly and pathetic he makes Neville look like the lovechild of Arnold Schwartzeneger and The Rock.

Penny Haywood

A Hufflepuff Mary-Sue with the same hairstyle as Lillie from ‎Pokémon Sun/Moon.

Andre Egwu

A Ravenclaw jock, who rocks a bitchin’ purple Pride of Portree scarf. You don’t “meet” him until Year 4. Even if you’ve taken several classes with him, spoken to him, and – if you’re a Ravenclaw like me – obviously share a dormitory.

Merula Snyde

The Slytherin bully. She is such a bland caricature, I almost forgot to put her on this list.

I don’t know what house you are in, but Chester Davies – the Ravenclaw prefect – can eat my shorts.

Because this game is set in the 80s, you can save up galleons to buy some butt ugly clothes. Witches and wizards do not know how to dress.

I was amped to see all the familiar faces. But some of them take years to show up – like Tonks and Charlie Weasley. Even though they are in my year! Why aren’t they going to classes?

Then there are all the teachers that are back in action – Dumbledore, McGonnagal, Snape. Woah, Snape is looking gnarly for a man in his 20s. The years have not been kind to him.

The biggest bummer was Hagrid. He asked me to make him a potion, but said not to tell Snape it was for him because they “don’t always get along.” Snape is a nasty man, but he knows he can’t get away with talking trash to staff – DA teachers excluded. Hagrid was just being shady and manipulative, asking me do dangerous things for him and encouraging me to lie.

If you want to play Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery for any length of time you will need to splash some cash. But unless you are loaded, high, juiced or a noob it legit won’t happen.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery’s biggest crime is being forgettable. For real. You leave the game alone to recharge energy, forget about it, and fail the task you were on.

Playing this game made me nostalgic for the days of gnome tossing on Pottermore. If you have space on your mobile device and Harry Potter is your fave, play Hogwarts Mystery casually. Otherwise, kick it to the curb.

2.8 out of 5 stars

Tabletop Games

Disney Family Feud | Tabletop Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I just like Disney. Hit me up. Family Feud is copyright Imagination, Disney and Pixar. Images used for reference and commentary.

For fans of Disney comes a board game that brings the Family Feud TV show into your home, Mickey in hand.

Each card has a question that has been surveyed to 100 people. One player acts as host, while two teams – of one player or more – must try to give the answer that matches the survey. The more surveyed people that have given the answer, the more points it is worth.

This – is – not – a – trivia – game. There is no “right” answer. What you think is logical will not be what popped into other people’s heads. Get off your high horse and try to think like the masses.

I thought this game was called Family Feud because it pits two “families” against each other. Nope! It is because someone is going to flip their wits when their answer isn’t one of the top survey answers.

This is a very fun game to play…with the right people. You want to play with people who go “Whaaaaaaaaat?” when they don’t get the right answer, but not with people who will threaten to flip the table. For this reason, Disney Family Feud is not only accessible to play with casual Disney fans, but preferable to playing with hard-core know-it-all busy-bodies.

Do not ask me, “Who did they survey? What is the age range? What is the gender ratio?” I – do – not – know! Leave me be!

Due to the limited number of cards, there is a cap on how much you can play this game before you know all the answers. If you survive that long. Enjoy the game for what it is and then pass it on for someone else to destroy or enjoy.

3.5 out of 5 stars

Tabletop Games

BANG! The Dice Game: The Walking Dead | Tabletop Review

Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. I’m just here to slay. Zombies. BANG! The Dice Game: The Walking Dead is copyright of Asmodee and USAopoly. Images used for reference and commentary.

Zombies aren’t the only threat in this game, which pits you against the biggest evil of all – humans! Roll the dice and think twice about those you can trust. You never know who is really on your side in this deadly bluffing game.

BANG! The Dice Game: The Walking Dead uses five dice with different symbols. These let you shoot guns, throw grenades and heal. They also expose you to zombies and deadly toxins. You have three rolls to try and inflict as much damage to the people you believe to be your enemies. Be prepared for people to hold a grudge and come for you.

There are two main factions that people play as – the Survivors and the Saviors. There are also two loners – Hilltop and The Kingdom – but depending on how many players you have, you might only play with one Loner. The Survivors want to kill the Saviors. The Saviors want to kill the Leader of the Survivors. The Loner wants to kill everyone.

Note: “Survivor” and “Savior” are easy to get confused. Especially when “Savior” sounds like it should be good but is actually evil. Try not to get caught out when you are bullshitting everyone that you are good.

The alliances are all kept secret, except for the Leader of the Survivors. The role of Leader of the Survivors can be overwhelming for certain people, especially if it is their first time playing. Consider reshuffling and redealing the roles if you think this will be too stressful or elect someone to be Leader and randomise the rest.

Each player also has a character card. These are dealt randomly but not kept secret. Remember to read your character’s special ability – and don’t forget to give the Leader of the Survivors +2 health!

Note: This edition of BANG!  The Dice Game is based on The Walking Dead comics and uses the awesome character artwork. This means that if you have any hopes of playing characters like Daryl, Sasha, Beth or Noah, prepare to be disappointed, because they were made up by the TV people.

It is important to realise that this is not only a bluffing game but an elimination game. Once you are dead, you are out of the game. And if you play with a lot of people, you may find that you don’t get many turns before you die. Which is not fun. This game can be played with 3-8 players, but the best number to play with is 5-6.

The game’s only real big fail is that, unlike the original BANG! The Dice Game, the dice are not engraved. This means that the images on the dice will eventually wear off. Grr!

This is a very fun game to play, as long as you play with the right kind of people. Friendly competitiveness is fab. Cutthroat nastiness is gross. Good luck finding the right balance!

3.8 out of 5 stars